“I employ this thing I called The Shovel List.”
“No, a shovel list. It’s more of a conceptual thing. It’s a list of all the people and things I hate so much I want to hit them in the face with a shovel.”
That’s a quote from Marian Keyes’ new novel “The Mystery of Mercy Close” which is lurking on my kindle waiting for me to have time to read it. I need time as I suspect it’s a one-sitter and I don’t want to be interrupted by stuff like work, cooking or the need to scour the bathroom.
But the Shovel List has got me thinking. We all have one. I know I do although I’ve never sat and worked out exactly what’s on it.
This is the first attempt!
(Actually, this is harder than I thought. Worried I may miss something. Many somethings…)
Bad manners. Not etiquette and all that rigmarole, just basic lack of please and thank you and shoving people around.
People who wear full lycra get up including the padded arse shorts and special shoes on a folding bike.
Weather haters. Too hot. Too cold. Too wet. Too dry. Too windy. Too still. What the hell do you actually want?
Tall, Grande, Venti. What’s wrong with small, medium, large? (and extra large, extra extra large, humongously large and wheel me to a seat)
Adults who complain they are bored.
People who eat fish and chips in the cinema. Actually, people who eat in the cinema. And talk. And discuss the plot.
Amazeballs. Hilar. Totes.
People who look at you sadly when you say you’re single, even though you like it.
‘Comedy’ ties, socks and underpants. Just be told – they don’t make you funny.
Miming inverted commas.
Creative borrowers/work thieves. Those who take credit for knowing the things you told them. Or ‘reinvent’ your work. Usually badly. Always uncredited.
Anyone who stops dead when they get off an escalator.
People who have no idea that they might have to pay or pack their shopping in the supermarket.
People who abandon their trolley in the middle of the aisle in the supermarket.
People who insist on having their trolleys across the aisle in the supermarket.
(Stop it with the supermarkets…)
Women who insist on taking men who loath clothes shopping clothes shopping.
PMSL. Really? How messy…
People who insist on eating in faceless chain restaurants because “You know what you’re going to get.” Well, exactly.
Anyone who when asked how they are actually tells you. In detail. With diagrams.
Parents who refuse to believe you when you politely say “No, I really don’t want to hold your baby…”
And there’s so much more…
I should be getting embarrassed about how long this list is getting!
But I’m not. Because it’s all so very, very reasonable.
What’s on your shovel list?