the shovel list…

“I employ this thing I called The Shovel List.”

A shovel..?”

“No, a shovel list. It’s more of a conceptual thing. It’s a list of all the people and things I hate so much I want to hit them in the face with a shovel.”

That’s a quote from Marian Keyes’ new novel “The Mystery of Mercy Close” which is lurking on my kindle waiting for me to have time to read it.  I need time as I suspect it’s a one-sitter and I don’t want to be interrupted by stuff like work, cooking or the need to scour the bathroom.

But the Shovel List has got me thinking.  We all have one.  I know I do although I’ve never sat and worked out exactly what’s on it.

This is the first attempt!

(Actually, this is harder than I thought. Worried I may miss something.  Many somethings…)

__________

Bad manners. Not etiquette and all that rigmarole, just basic lack of please and thank you and shoving people around.

Brown shoes.

People who wear full lycra get up including the padded arse shorts and special shoes on a folding bike.

Weather haters.  Too hot.  Too cold.  Too wet.  Too dry.  Too windy.  Too still.  What the hell do you actually want?

Tall, Grande, Venti. What’s wrong with small, medium, large?  (and extra large, extra extra large, humongously large and wheel me to a seat)

Adults who complain they are bored.

People who eat fish and chips in the cinema.  Actually, people who eat in the cinema.  And talk.  And discuss the plot.

Amazeballs.  Hilar.  Totes.

People who look at you sadly when you say you’re single, even though you like it.

‘Comedy’ ties, socks and underpants.  Just be told – they don’t make you funny.

Miming inverted commas.

Creative borrowers/work thieves.  Those who take credit for knowing the things you told them. Or ‘reinvent’ your work.  Usually badly. Always uncredited.

Anyone who stops dead when they get off an escalator.

Asda.

People who have no idea that they might have to pay or pack their shopping in the supermarket.

People who abandon their trolley in the middle of the aisle in the supermarket.

People who insist on having their trolleys across the aisle in the supermarket.

(Stop it with the supermarkets…)

Women who insist on taking men who loath clothes shopping clothes shopping.

PMSL.  Really?  How messy…

People who insist on eating in faceless chain restaurants because “You know what you’re going to get.” Well, exactly.

Anyone who when asked how they are actually tells you.  In detail.  With diagrams.

Cupcakes.

Parents who refuse to believe you when you politely say “No, I really don’t want to hold your baby…”

__________

And there’s so much more…

I should be getting embarrassed about how long this list is getting!

But I’m not.  Because it’s all so very, very reasonable.

What’s on your shovel list?

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6 thoughts on “the shovel list…

  1. Yikes. I eat popcorn in the cinema and I have brown boots. Do they count? OK, additions off the top of my head.

    People who let their children stand in supermarket trolleys.

    People who let their children eat stuff they haven’t paid for going round supermarkets. (I seem to have a supermarket thing going on too.)

    Adding random s’s to the end of words. “Laters babes. Loves yous. Byes.” *Grits teeths*

    The audition round of reality TV “talent” shows which are just designed to get cheap laughs out of deluded people. (Can you hit auditions with a shovel? If not, please make that the people that make the shows. All of them.)

    Anyone who takes up two spaces in a busy car park just because their car is too precious to risk a ding. Anyone else’s car, of course, can make three laps of the car park in the forlorn hope of finding just the one space, please.

    People who jar you out of a movie at the cinema by firing up their text messages/email/Facebook in mid film. It may not have rung, you may not be talking into it, but that glowing screen out of the corner of my eye is still distracting. The text will be there in an hour’s time. Put. The. Damn. Thing. Away.

    • Popcorn isn’t really eating. Nor are sweets – unless they are in crinkly papers or you only like a certain colour and need to involve other people to identify it in the dark… Anything that requires a plate should be banned!
      Brown shoes on men really… Irrational I know but you’re excused!
      And yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and yes.

  2. *whispers* I sort of like “amazeballs”. But I hate “delish”. Two shovels’ worth.

    And tourists who stop dead in the middle of the sidewalk when you actually need to go somewhere. Move over.

    Using tights as outerwear. They are not the same as leggings.

    People who say “nucyular” instead of “nuclear”.

    The freaking WordPress editor on my mobile phone. Aaaaaargh.

  3. This topic is designed for a miserable whiny old bag like me! But I am going to ask for clarification on ‘adults who complain they’re bored’: Am I allowed to be bored with a task? One of those really monotonous tedious tasks which aren’t at all fulfilling but have to be done and use just enough of your brain to prevent you daydreaming, or mentally composing poems or stories or even singing along with music. Is it OK to be bored by that? Or is it the complaining that’s the issue? *eyes shovel warily*

    Other than that caveat, I agree with them all and Annie’s too. I would also like to add:

    People who use redundant words as in; ‘continue on’ or ‘return back’ I realise it’s pedantic of me, but it really winds me up.

    People who use Management-speak: ‘let’s imagineer a solution’, ‘from a blue-sky perspective’ and any abbreviation used to exclude people who aren’t ‘in the know’,as in ‘well we could do that but the SU called STU and the CMHT and the RDE said they couldn’t get involved’

    The excessive and increasingly physical level of public displays of affection between friends. A hug now and then when we won’t see each other for a while is fine. But every time I see you in Tesco? And what we’re kissing now? Now it’s two kisses? What next? Perhaps mutual boob honks and a bum pinch? Dial it back people! Not sure what or whom I’m hitting with a shovel here..not my friends obviously … whoever started it maybe?

    And adding to ‘People who look at you sadly when you say you’re single, even though you like it.’
    People who refuse to believe you can be whole without a partner and insist on trying to set you up, despite you asking them to stop.

    People who complain about political issues but don’t actually vote.

    Myself when I’m whiny and self-defeatist!

    • The bored thing is me hearing people say they are bored, there’s nothing to do. Really??!! There are books, films, TV, radio. Even as a last resort outdoors! I get fed up doing some things and sometimes choose to be idle but can’t understand being bored.

      BTW I never claimed this was rational!!

      Agree with all your too and having horriblevisions of obligatory boob honks in Morrisons! Or at work… Ew. (There’s probably a management-speak term for it.)

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